Episode 7- Gambling with Narwhals
Ralph:”Hey, so-”
Dante:”MY HOTNESS IS FADING!”
Ralph:”What, I thought this episode was gonna be Ralph-based…”
Dante:”Ew, why would we do an episode about vomit?”
Ralph:”Yeah sure. Anyway, how do even gauge hotness?”
Dante:”You wouldn't know your hotness level is negligible.”
Ralph:”That’s…. why I asked. You… aren’t very good at listening.”
Dante:”I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my HOTNESS!”
Ralph:”New rule, you never say the word hotness after this episode.”
Dante:”TAKEN!”
Ralph:”Sweet, so how do you up your heat level?”
Dante:”Hotness… isn’t heat related. There is no hope for you, Is there?”
Ralph:”Whatever, what do we do?
Dante:”That’s like asking ‘what is love?’- in that it’s only good when singing a 90’s techno song. Asking any other time only makes you look weird. We need to shave a cat.”
Ralph:”But I hate cats. That was literally my first character building statement.”
Dante:”Exactly, that’s why you aren’t hot.”
Ralph:”Fine.”
Dante:”SWEET! I’m done.”
Ralph:”WHAT?”
Dante:”We have no narration remember? I can do ANYTHING!”
Ralph:”SO WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS EPISODE!?”
Dante:”To remind everyone that you aren’t even hot enough to bet the water temple.”
Ralph:”WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?”
Dante:”Stop using multiple punctuations. I prefer zero-”
Ralph:”No. Not that reference. Not now. Not ever.”
Dante:”Aww.”
Ralph:”We ended the last episode with a Dante aww. Not again.”
Dante:”Aww.”
Ralph:”STOP IT!”
END OF EPISODE 7- THESE TITLES ARE POINTLESS, LIKE MY EXISTENCE.
Episode 8- Will this season have 12 episodes or 24? Not even a title really, just a question. I don’t get paid enough. I should’ve asked for two limeades an hour...
Dante:”Wait… did that imply Dias is the title guy?”
Ralph:”YOU CAN SEE THOSE!? I thought it was just me…”
Dante:”You answered nothing. Be more plot-useful.”
Ralph:”Well, even if it did, the only consequence would be someone theorizing about our… uh, ‘thing’ being some like theater production as opposed to really being a videogame.”
Dante:”What?”
Ralph:”It happens. And it’s stupid.”
Dante:”No, I mean what is the point of this episode?”
Ralph:”You had the starting line, which means you will also have the ending line… I think.”
Dante:”Why is that anyway?”
Ralph:”Coincidence?”
Dante:”What if there is character like Dias who takes up my lines?”
Dias:”Nah.”
Dante:”Oh. Okay then.”
Ralph:”I’m not even mad anymore.
Dante:”U mad bro?
Ralph:”I… just said I wasn’t.”
Dante:”I’m gonna go buy a cell phone.
Ralph:”WHAT?”
Dante:”Here it is. I call it… uh…. Cream Soda.”
Ralph:”Why?”
Dante:”I want some cream soda.”
Ralph:”Who loves cream soda?”
Cream Soda:”We are never making that reference.”
Ralph:”Uh… Dante?”
Dante:”Yeah?”
Ralph:”Your phone. Can talk.”
Cream Soda:”Does this surprise you? I have more intelligence than my owner.”
Ralph:”True that.”
Dante:”... My phone just DISSED me?”
Ralph:”You deserve it.”
Cream Soda:”Now mortals, load me up with worldly knowledge.”
Ralph:”I think he means apps.”
Dante:”I think you mean your mom.”
Ralph:”There I put Angry Birds on there.”
Cream Soda:”So the birds become angry after pigs stole their eggs… Interesting. I will do more research regarding Bird-pig relationships.”
Ralph:”I wonder what will happen we he discovers the internet.”
Dante:”Beautiful things. Beautiful things.”
END OF EPISODE 8- THE META-ING.
Episode 9- (Insert Name Here)
Ralph:”We need a shorter nickname for Cream Soda.”
Dante:”Why?”
Ralph:”The author is super lazy.
Dante:”How about CS?”
Ralph:”I’m sure that stands for something, but sure.”
CS:”This Acronym is far more efficient. Now leave me, so I can return to the land of Netflix.”
Ralph:”Do you even have a membership for that?”
Dante:”Eh, we just keep using the trial with different emails.”
Ralph:”Does that work?
Dante:”Did I or did I not, just spend the last 24 hours watching arrested development.”
Ralph:”I dunno. I don’t watch you at all times, I’m not-”
Dante:”YOUR MOM!”
Ralph:”... Exactly.”
Dante:”I think that cheeseburger is making babies in my belly.”
Ralph:”Segways are useless, I agree.”
Dante:”So I’m thinking I need to eat something to counteract the cheese-babies.”
Ralph:”That mental image though.”
Dante:”Get your mind out of the gutter, we need to eat… THE WINGS OF CHICKENS!”
Ralph:”Chicken wings. The normal usage is chicken wings.”
Dante:”You in or out?”
Ralph:”Sure, I love chicken wings.”
Dante:”Marry one then.”
Ralph:”I could never devote myself to only one- wait are you just doing this to get me to take you to eat wings?”
Dante:”Maybe….
Ralph:”OK then, let’s go!”
END OF EPISODE 9- WINGS ARE FOR DOODLING.
Episode 10- I feel like this series is retreading old ground.
Dante:”I take offense at that, title guy! Instead of having this episode be about delicious wings, it will instead be about being caught in traffic!”
Ralph:”Is that really an improvement?”
Dante:”It’s what he deserves.”
Ralph:”But now we’re stuck in traffic.”
Dante:”Like you could even drive anyway. No arms remember?”
Ralph:”I thought we were just gonna ignore that tidbit, or be like rayman, or something.
Dante:”True we never said you had no hands.”
Ralph:”Cool, just call me Ray-alph… man.
Dante:”Good try.”
Ralph:”I’m so sorry.”
Dante:”So uh, what do you normally do when you are stuck in traffic?”
Ralph:”Listen to music.”
Dante:”Oh, so what are your favorite bands?”
Ralph:”Well, I like-”
Dante:”NOPE! Too much character development. Let’s just honk the horn instead.”
Ralph:”Like that will even help! It’s your fault we’re in this mess!”
Dante:”Yeah, and it’s your fault this car can’t just fly.”
Ralph:”I don’t… Well… I mean technically…”
Dante:”Whatever. You know, if I caused this all by myself, why are there all these other people in cars in the same situation?”
Ralph:”I'm guessing they are there to make the effect of your decisions more realistic and more relatable to our audience?”
Dante:”Should I be taking notes on this?”
Ralph:”But if you did, wouldn’t this become a far more series record of us trying to understand the rules and boundaries of the universe we find ourselves in?”
Dante:”Nah, that’s stupid.”
Ralph:”Yeah I agree.”
Dante:”The person in front of us has ‘Sexy Lady” license plate. Can I be excuse for murder if the victim has extremely poor taste?”
Ralph:”No. This world is not perfect.”
Dante:”If it was we’d have actual narration.”
Ralph:”Very accurate that statement was.”
Dante:”Thanks… Yoda.”
Ralph:”You know, by using all these admittedly pointless pop-culture references, does that not mean that our universe HAS a pop culture, probably one that the people reading this share in common?”
Dante:”Well I… have no clue. Stop making me all existential.”
Ralph:”My apologies.”
END OF EPISODE 10- THE FOURTH WALL IS OUT OF MONEY.
Episode 11- Heaven is giant couch.
Dante:”It would’ve been cool if your name was Alph.”
Ralph:”Nah, that kind of comes across as desperate for coolness. Like the name Dante.”
Dante:”Fool, Dante’s an awesome name, for awesome dudes- Like me.”
Ralph:”Most people think you are Devil May Cry reference.”
Dante:”Ha, ain’t nobody got time for that fool.”
Ralph:”So what are you a reference to?”
Dante:”A reference… To all things holy, but having seen darkness- the exemplary example of battered and wounded hero.”
Ralph:”What?”
Dante:”Eh, I don’t know. And I don’t care.”
Ralph:”Have you finished watching arrested development?”
Dante:”Nah, the fourth season… just isn’t the same. Plus, CS is overheating.”
Ralph:”Wait, really?”
CS:” MY HOTNESS LEVEL IS OVER 9000!”
Ralph:”It was a matter of time until we made the reference.”
Dante:”Hotness has nothing to with heat!”
Ralph:”Dias has been gone… for quite a while.”
Dante:” You know if you keep bringing him up, he’ll come back right?”
Ralph:”No. That rule hasn’t been established really.”
Dante:”Oh. Is it now?”
Dias::”Yup. Peace, losers.”
Dante:”I like that guy.”
Ralph:”Well, it does get lonely, just the two of us.”
Dante:”That sounds like something a middle aged married woman would say when-”
Ralph:”DON’T GO THERE!”
Dante:”Someday I will.”
Ralph:”I hope to be far away when that happens.”
Dante:”Yeah, I kinda hope you will be too.”
Ralph:”Are we friends?”
Dante:”Kinda like neighbours, really.”
Ralph:”Forced to be friends due to proximity?”
Dante:”Exactly.”
END OF EPISODE 11- IF YOU’RE EVEN READING THIS WHY PLEASE TELL ME.
Episode 12: Superman is a teddy bear compared to me. In that he is much cuter.
Ralph:”Hey, I want to experiment.”
Dante:”OH PLEASE NO!”
Ralph:”Not… that kind of experimentation.”
Dante:”You never know, without nonverbal communication.”
Ralph:”There is such a thing called context.”
Dante:”IT WAS THE FIRST LINE!”
Ralph:”Yeah fine whatever, I want to know if I can say things other than letters.”
Dante:”We probably used numbers before.”
Ralph:”Not just numbers, like other stuff.”
Dante:”Yeah ok.”
Ralph:”Here goes nothing… &!”
Dante:”And?”
Ralph:”Well it seemed like a more likely one.”
Dante:”Fine, my turn… $!”
Ralph:”That’s a good one, BUT HOW ABOUT THIS! {}!”
Dante:”What… even are those?”
Ralph:”Curvy brackets.”
Dante:”Look, the only things that should be curvy are straws.”
Ralph:”Wait what about-”
Dante:”*”
Ralph:”Did you just asterix me?”
Dante:”Yeah. Yeah I did.”
Ralph:”Is that offensive?”
Dante:”Not really.”
Ralph:” :)”
Dante:”OK, new rule, never do faces again.”
Ralph:”Why?”
Dante:”It’s stupid and makes you look like a preteen girl.”
Ralph:”T_T”
Dante:”QUIT IT DUDE!”
Ralph:”Fine fine… Just one more @_@”
Dante:”That’s not even a face.”
Ralph:”AHA! SO IT DOESN'T FIT INTO THE RULES!”
Dante:”What? Oh fine, whatever.”
Ralph:”@_@”
Dante:”You know, that COULD be a face...:”
Ralph:”NOPE NO TAKE BACKS!”
Dante:”.. FINE!”
Ralph:”Oh yeah! @_@”
END OF EPISODE 12- EMOTICON THIS!
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