Episode 1- The Reckoning.
“Yo, I just got the BEST idea about what we should we be doing at 3 a.m.”
“Sleeping? Please?”
“Ha! N00b. We making a webcomic.”
“You missed something.”
“What?”
“A BRAIN! We are in a story- meaning, you know, we are made of TEXT?”
“See, this is why you hate cats. You have no imagination.”
“No, I hate cats because they are DEMONIC FELINES FROM HELL!”
“And they scratched you. One time.”
“Shut it”
“What it? I thought you said we were TEXT?”
“Use your… white-out or something.”
OOOOOOLD! This being who you are led to believe is someone other than me is OLD!”
“I am someone other than you. My name is Ralph.”
“And I am Dante, because I am HOT as an inferno.”
“You never even read that book. Also he goes to hell. So I guess it IS fitting…”
“Aren’t we supposed to get one of those _ said things after our dialog bubbles?”
Stop use visual terms for our texty bodies. Also, eh, leave it for the editor.
“You didn’t even quotation marks that time.”
“Leave it for the editor.”
“You’re the editor.”
“Oh.”
“Man you’ve been really quiet for the last five hours-justbelieveitwehavenoarrationanyway.”
“Leave it for the editor.”
“Yup. amneia.”
“You misspelled that word”
“You misspelled misspelled.”
“But… you spelled it exactly the same?”
“Google docs auto correct is trippy.”
“Use windows then.”
“And bow to the MAN? NEVER”
“Why not linux?”
“I would probably still use google docs. actually you can use it on windows too. What are you even?”
“Your mom.”
“Cook me dinner then.”
‘OK.”
“Wow that was amazing bacon you cooked up.”
“No, i cooked you toast.”
“Oh.”
“So do all surprises freeze time for 5 hours or-”
“Nah, I was just messing with you.”
“Oh.”
“We ever gonna get a narrator?”
“Narrator’s suck. And by suck I mean they suck the money from my non-existent wallet.”
“If you had a narrator you could have a wallet.”
“If you had a mom you could have a cheeseburger.”
“Ouch man.”
“Man to your ouch.”
“CAN WE GO TO SLEEP YET?”
END OF EPISODE ONE- TONTO’S REVENGE
Episode 2- Why did we not caps all of this? Oh wait, capsing all of the other ending line was accidental? I shouldn’t be writing all of this down? This is actually just a tired gag taken from countless other comedies? I should stop being so meta? I should be more meta? Tomba was a pretty cool ps1 game? Why are you bringing video games to work? Wait, this is a hobby? Why am I wearing a suit then? I’m just talking to myself? I need to go to an asylum? The author has insomnia? Your mama?
Dante: “So we have name… titles now. Happy?”
Ralph: “I don’t even remember if I was the character who wanted that in the first place. So, yah, I’m happy.”
Dante:”Good, now BOW TO MY HOTNESS!”
Ralph:”So your whole character trait is saying hotness all the time?”
Dante:”Maybe.”
Ralph:”I can FEEL that virtual shrug.”
Dante:”TEXTUAL shrug”
Ralph:”That word is creeping me out.”
Dante:”Your mom creeps me out.”
Ralph:”Was I your mom in the last chapter? If so, are you making fun of your grandmother?”
Dante:”NOBODY MAKE FUN OF MY GRAMAMA!”
Ralph:”First off you said ‘gramama’- why? Second off, you just did.”
Dante:”Actually if you are my mom then my-your comment about the cheese burger makes very little sense.”
Ralph:”I like cheeseburgers tho.”
Dante:”That was-, actually yeah. lets go get some cheese burgers.
END OF EPISODE TWO- WHY WAS THAT TITLE SO LONG ANYWAY I DON’T EVEN
Episode 3- Cheeseburgers- WITH A SIDE OF DEATH, lightly toasted.
Ralph:”YES, CHEESEBURGERS, HO!”
Cheeseburger:“Hi!”
Dante:”They can talk? AWESOME! LET ME EAT YOU!”
Ralph:”NO! NO! DIE FOUL BURGERS!”
Dante:”Exactly. I will kill them in my STOMACH!”
Ralph:”Oh. Okay then.”
Cheeseburger: “YAY!”
Dante:”Wait up man, the cheeseburger WANTS to be eaten. We can’t eat it then.”
Ralph:”Uhh… why?”
Dante:”Think about it, it will probably be like a tapeworm and live INSIDE us, killing our d00ds or whatever.”
Ralph:”You have dudes in your stomach?”
Dante:”D00ds, and yes.”
Ralph:”Difference being?”
Dante:”Prinnies. They make everything better.”
Ralph:”You mean the penguin things? Is this a gaming webcomic or not?”
Dante:”HA! YOU SAID WEBCOMIC!”
Ralph:”I hope the cheeseburger constipates you.”
Dante:”Ew. Also, WHY DID I EAT ALL THE CHEESEBURGERS! I expressly said I did NOT want to do that!”
Ralph:”Reasons.”
END OF EPISODE 3- CONSTIPATION IS EVILE
Episode 4- My poor toilet.
Dante:”I hate you.”
Ralph:”Ha, you deserved it for making me say the word of evil.”
Dante:”I didn’t MAKE you say it…”
Ralph:”Whatever, I’m out of here. I have a JOB.”
Dante:”Ooh, exposition! Gimme gimme.”
Ralph:”Cannot tell if sarcastic.”
Dante:”Whatever, go work, work boy.”
Ralph:”K.”
Dante:”SO, NOW THAT I’M ALONE…. what do I even do?”
Ralph:”I’m not even gone yet, ya dingus.”
Dante:”... Shoo shoo”
Ralph:”Bye”
Dante:”Good riddance, now for my DIABOLICAL PLAN OF EEEEEEEEEEGGS”
Ralph:”Stop subverting people’s preconceived expectations of what you will say.”
Dante:”YOU AINT EVEN HERE NO MORE”
Ralph:”LIKE THERE WERE ANY RULES TO THIS UNIVERSE TO BEGIN WITH!”
Dante:”Stop talking, or I’ll throw my eggs at you. And i’m not talking about chocalate ones.”
Ralph:”WHY WOULD I THINK THAT-ACK!”
Dante:”HEHEHEHE”
Ralph:”
Dante:”Wait… is there still a Ralph box every other line? That’s a waste. and shows that the editor just copy-pastes all of these dialog thingamabobs.”
Dias:”Wut it be. I am your replacement bud for the day.”
Dante:”SO I CAN NEVER BE ALONE!? Eh, you wanna help me throw eggs at Ralph’s stuff?”
Dias:”I get paid by the hour, so sure.”
Dante:”Wait, YOU GET PAID FOR THIS?”
Dias:” In limeades.”
Dante:”Still jealous.”
Ralph:”Hey, I’m back- who’s that guy?”
Dante:”Your mom.”
Dias:”I regret to inform you, I am not your mother.”
Dante:”How dare you.”
Ralph:”YOU’RE TAKING UP MY LINE SPACE! GET OUT!”
Dante:”Man, I never even got to throw eggs….”
Dias:” You have offended me. We must duel.”
Dante:”OOH! I’ll give you like, three eggs if you kill Ralph.”
Ralph:”Dueling over this would be… Incredibly stupid.”
Dante:”EXACTLY, SO DO IT!”
Dias:” EN GARDE!”
Dante:”Poke him in the elbow!”
Ralph:”I DON’T EVEN HAVE A SWORD!”
Dante:”Use your elbow!”
Dias:” OH. I cannot fight an unarmed man *slices ralph’s arms off* Farewell.”
Dante:”YOU DIDN'T POKE HIM IN THE ELBOW THOUGH!?”
Ralph:” I’m a double amputee.”
Dante:”No worries, they’ll grow back in the next episode.
Ralph:”Wait, so this isn’t like adventure time where my lost arms becomes it’s own sucky arc?”
Dante:”References? I thought you were better than that.”
Ralph:”But I thought Dias was a callback to Star Ocean 2-”
Dante:”QUIT IT!”
END OF EPISODE 4- THERE WAS NO TOILET
Episode 5- Who needs limbs anyway?
Ralph:”I still don’t have any arms.”
Dante:”Quit your whining or I’ll take both your legs off and call you ‘torso boy’”
Ralph:”I… still want arms tho.”
Dante:”Fine let’s go to the store.”
Ralph:”Which store?”
Dante:”Wal-mart.”
Ralph:”Why wal-mart?”
Dante:”Because… it’s the closest?”
Ralph:”And they sell arms?”
Dante:”Sell?... Uh.. sure…. they ‘SELL’ arms…”
Ralph:”I… don’t have any other choice, do I?”
Dante:”NOPE!”
Ralph:”So, uh, we are at the store. Believe me.”
Dante:”SWEETNESS! LET’S GO GET SOME CANDY!”
Ralph:”What! I thought we were getting my ARMS!”
Dante:”Just trust me. I know what to do. *Grabs tons of licorice*”
Ralph:”I’m scared.”
Dante:”This will only hurt for… never.”
Ralph:”Wut?”
Dante:”IT IS FINISHED!”
Ralph:”Wut?”
Dante:”LOOK AND BEHOLD YOUR LICORICE ARMS!”
Ralph:”So I did get my own sucky arc after all. I hate you.”
Dante:”Just be glad it’s not black licorice.”
Ralph:”All the rats just ate my arms off.”
Dante:”And that’s why you shop at Target.”
Ralph:”...”
Dante:”Look I’ll make it up to you, how about we get some ice cream?”
Ralph:”How would I even eat it?”
Dante:”Shove it down your pie hole?”
Ralph:”Eh, sure.”
END OF EPISODE 5- What, the title was actually kinda accurate? BLASPHEMY!
Episode 6- I’m lactose intolerant.
Dante:”Woah, I have four arms now.”
Ralph:”I hate you. So much.”
Dante:”Think of all the things I could do with four arms though!”
Ralph:”I… can’t really think of anything.”
Dante:”See, this is why you hate unicorns, you have no imagination.”
Ralph:”Is this a running gag? Don’t make this a running gag.”
Dante:”You running IS a gag. Cuz you got no arms.”
Ralph:”So many problems, so little time to address….”
Dante:”Anyway, I’m off to drive two cars at the same time.”
Ralph:”I- you know what, good luck. I hope you crash.”
Dante:”Wait a minute!”
Ralph:”You realized how dumb the idea of driving two cars with one body is?”
Dante:”NOPE! I don’t have a car!”
Ralph:”Well, I do.”
Dante:”Your car is lame, what model is it, pinto bean?”
Ralph:”That’s not… even a car model. That is literally a bean.”
Dante:”Exactly. Because your car makes me gassy.”
Ralph:”You… are really stretching, huh?”
Dante:”Go buy me a car with your millions of dollars.”
Ralph:”I don’t have millions of dollars, OR ELSE I WOULDN’T BE HERE WITH YOU!”
Dante:”Yes, our relationship is priceless, but still, I need a car.”
Ralph:”I have a headache.”
Dante:”So does our audience.”
Ralph:”We have an audience?”
Dante:”Sure, people love me.”
Ralph:”What about me?”
Dante:”Well you rank fourth in our character poll.”
Ralph:”BEHIND THE CHEESEBURGER?”
Dante:”Actually, the cheeseburger got 2nd.”
Ralph:”Ouch, how does Dias feel about that?”
Dante:”He’s taking it pretty well.”
Dias:”MY LIFE IS OVER!”
Dante:”Well, better than expected.”
Ralph:”He will feel even worse IF HE KEEPS TAKING UP MY LINE SPACE!”
Dante:”Get over yourself, this episode is about MY problems.”
Ralph:”Fine, how about this, you go to the used car lot?”
Dante:”Nah, we don’t have the budget for another new background.”
Ralph:”WE ARE IN TEXT FORM!”
Dante:”Well… we might need different… paper, or something.”
Ralph:”No. we would not.”
Dante:”Eh, I already ordered a car on amazon.”
Ralph:”You can afford a new car?!”
Dante:”Yeah, it should be coming today.”
Ralph:”YOU CAN AFFORD SAME DAY SHIPPING!?”
Dante:”We live like, right next to their warehouse. As far as you know.”
Ralph:”Oh, I heard a doorbell.”
Dante:”I shall… walk over… and get it….”
Ralph:”Just open it already.”
Dante:”WOOT, a car.”
Ralph:”Uh, that’s a hot whee- you know what? Sure, cool car.”
Dante:”Now I need two.”
Ralph:”No.”
Dante:”Aww…”
END OF EPISODE 6- WHAT DID THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MILK? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!
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